All Sonic Friends Must Die
by The Sky Hedgehogian Maestro
Summary: Exactly What It Says On The Tin... If you, in your turdly sophomoric innocence, should happen to *like* any of these sad and pointless one-bit wastes of Sonic's time, then you are clicking onto the wrong story entirely. Indeed, Genesis Purist Fanboy, 'tis YOU, not I, who has truly written this uplifting and encouraging story...


Disclaimer: I find it necessary to make the mention that, in no way do the opinions presented or suggested in this article represent the opinions of the author. I repeat, in no way do I write this from my own personal beliefs. This is for **you. **This is one of those fanfictions that is "written for the audience" for it is the audience that demanded such a thing, and it is the audience that commands my choice. I repeat yet again: I don't agree with this notion that all of Sonic's friends "must die." Tails, Metal Sonic, Blaze, Shadow, Nack, all my top 5. Silver is... is growing. He's up there now, compared to years ago. Blame its posting on me; blame the concept on the fans.

Warning: Incredible Hate Dumb Ahead.

* * *

Have you ever heard of the legendary Suck Spiral? Supposedly, its grip is so immense, once you are caught in its infinite grasp, there be no escape... Save annihilate the cause of being sent into the Spiral. And the annihilation must be complete and absolute; as cataclysmic as it is sweeping. Whatever piece of hot wretched raw-raw **** ruined yo' ass gotta be blown to hell with extreme prejudice.

So that's why we've violently kidnapped every useless Sonic character created since January 1st, 1998 (we added Amy and the Chaotic Detective Agency for good measure), tied them to a poison cactus, doused them with several hundreds of gallons of irradiated thermonuclear cyanide, and beat them senselessly. That last one, surprisingly, wasn't out a pure, unadulterated sadism. Okay, perhaps it was. But it was also to ensure that, one- no one had any rings; and two, no one had any extra lives. However, we wanted to make sure everyone had at least one life left to spare because otherwise this last bit would've been nowhere near as fun.

So, Sonic, tell me about the Suck Spiral, the Sonic Cycle, all those fun things.  
"Well, Dr. Waddiwaddu, I don't wanna. Instead, I wanna blow it to smithereens!"  
Ah-ha-ha! That Sonic! What a charmer! What a spark! And speaking of spark, I say we begin the countdown! Ah, listen to those happy tree friends scream and cry for mercy.  
"Ten!" Sonic cheerfully begins. O, how Shadow, Rouge, Big, Amy, Omega, Cream, Blaze, Silver, Jet, Wave, Storm, Marine, Chip, and all those other frightfully bland blanks must now regret their lives, regret their being born, and now wish repentance for pushing Sonic into the Suck Spiral! O' how they are so outta luck. But no! Instead, they keep buzzing this odd droll much ado about nothing that offers no reason why we should spare their lives. Or maybe they're so god-lifeless that, no matter what the heck they say, I simply can't care less.  
"Nine!" Doctor Robotnik gleefully adds. Shadow and Rouge should be saying their prayers, but instead are simply narming about, screaming about how 'I'm the ultimate life form, I can never die!' this and 'No, Sonic, not like this, I thought we had something' that. I don't annoying, 'state-the-obvious,' 'repeat-your-personal-bio-in-ten-words-or-less' as saying a prayer. May God forget them.

Amy is too entranced in this quick-gasps-between-cries oddity to even offer any even remotely guttural inkling of a vocalization. In other words, she's speaking as normal. And I don't care. Big is... what is Big doing? Does anyone care? And Cream is doing... absolutely nothing! I admire her acceptance of her fate, but that is all I admire. May she rot with Vanilla, Cheese, and her many more turds she calls Chao.  
"Eight!" Tails happily continues. Silver and Blaze, how wondrous a couple they would have been had they actually been a muthaf***ing romance and not internet fanfiction shipping. Such awful wastes of ultraterrestrial space as these two are. But they won't be remembered as completely awful wastes- once, Sonic wrapped Silver up, and Blaze was the lighter. And that's how he forgot Sonic Next Gen.  
"Sev- aw, forget this. Zero!" Knuckles pushes the big red button. The bus erupts into a pillar of violet-hot flames before a second explosion expands from the first. This blast implodes into a black hole and all matter inside is consumed and then violently ripped apart into ten thousand different Hells, never to insult this universe again.

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Coming Up Next... Sonic and Robotnik betray Tails and Knuckles!  
"Wait-"  
"W-what?!"

"Sorry, guys, but we're shootin' for just me and Buttnik. Nuttn' personal, mkay?" Let us prepare the crucifix. "Yo, Robuttnik! Where 'mah nine inch nails? And I need that crown of thorns! Two of 'em! And some whips! Leather!"

Next Time: Sonic and Robotnik Crucify Tails and Knuckles! And then they go on the greatest adventure ever! Without any of Sonic's auxiliary baggage.

* * *

I feel it even more necessary to post here that _this I am_ _not_- I vehemently repeat- _**not**_open to suggestions. There is way more than enough Fan Hate of the "extra"/"useless" characters for me to bilk and thus any suggestions would be rendered redundant on top the fact it is already against site rules to take suggestions from readers.

So if you want to watch all your favorite annoying side characters get screwed over, just wait. The only 'request' I'll take is a mass demand, should this story succeed. And that mass demand is if they might want more of a story to go along with the ultraviolent character deaths. Otherwise...

Chapter Zero: Everybody Gets Some! Part One

Chapter Zero 2: Everybody Gets Some! Part Two

Chapter 1: Princess Elise

Chapter 2: Shadow the Hedgehog

Chapter 3: Silver the Hedgehog

Chapter 4: Chris Thorndyke

Chapter 5: Amy Rose

Chapter 6: Big the Cat

Chapter 7: Shadow the Hedgehog Again

Chapter 8: Blaze the Cat

Chapter 9: E-123 Omega

Chapter 10: Rouge the Bat

Chapter 11: Charmy Bee

Chapter 12: Espio the Chameleon

Chapter 13: Vector the Crocodile

Chapter 14: Cream the Rabbit

Chapter 15: Cheese the Chao

*That's it so far...

*Also, how the Chaos am I supposed to kill the ultimate life-form? Hit me up at the Sega of America forums at!

Review, concrit. Please. Now. Thank you. Cookies.

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Preview For "Princess Elise"

* * *

We begin our tale of blatant sadism in the kingdom of Soleanna...  
Sonic the Hedgehog, Miles "Tails" Prower, and Knuckles the Echidna happily skip their merry way down its bland streets, waving to what few half-ass photo-real human monkeys glitchedly glide down the streets. With rings a-plenty and smiles all 'round, what a fun romp they take to the New City!  
And in the New City is, oh boy oh boy, 'tis Princess Elise! Princess Elise is quite a personality, this royal maiden, for her subjects roar with thunderous approval.  
Then Sonic spin dashes into her ribcage, shattering each and every bone. They piece her heart and lungs and most of her vital organs and she begins gurgling blood. Knuckles wraps her puny head around his mitten and drags her face, pressing down with his might, across the pavement until her face has been wiped off. At the same time, due to the pressure, much of her skull has been cracked and shattered. But lo! They hold the Chaos Emerald, _and _ the Red Gem! What fun they shall have, for the day is yet still very young...


End file.
